(*Warning for language throughout)
Back at it again with our nonsense. Nick returns for some truly ridiculous (yet entertaining?) discussion of our latest video game fave. Like last time, Nick's answers are in orange while mine are in purple. More serious analysis of Unknown Worlds' underwater survival game to follow. Later. Probably much later when I have some of that mythical substance known as time. Until then...
{Beware, Traveler, spoilers and some NSFW content ahead!}
1. Let’s start off with a bit of honesty: how many hours have you poured into this game?
22 hours, going to be loading a lot more into it soon because I’m dying to make an underwater mansion.
25 hours and I still haven’t finished this stupid game. Why explore the death depths when I can stay in my pretty coral area with only vaguely poisonous looking fish? I am a coward.
2. You’ve got 50 words to describe what in the world Subnautica is to the ignorant reader. Go!
Imagine being scared of literally everything, then also add on the fact that you’re fully submerged underwater, in their territory. That’s basically the core ideas of Subnautica. Your goal is to escape the unknown sea planet, but honestly, it’s more fun to befriend the local fauna and build an ocean getaway.
It’s “fuck I’m lost in space” meets “fuck I’m the last survivor” and they’re both married to “FUCK SHARKS” except there aren’t any actual sharks these things have got way more teeth and are so much meaner.
3. Fuck, marry, kill – sea monster edition.
Kill the reapers because they’re the actual worst creatures on the planet and can go to hell. Fuck the ghost leviathans because, well, they kind of already look like a giant dildo so how different can it really be? Marry the sea dragon leviathans because they’re kind of cute and I’m lonely.
Agreed. Kill the reapers they deserve nothing from me and I’m not putting up with their BS anymore (give me my Cyclops). Fuck the dragon leviathan though because they’re thic and literally hot. Marry ghost leviathan. We got off on the wrong foot, but they’re very pretty and honestly? I can appreciate a sea monster with a work ethic. Keep guarding that barrier, you glowing champ.
4. What’s the one tip you would give to new players?
If you’re venturing out into uncharted areas, STAY LOW and keep your lights OFF (when reasonable). That attracts the spooky monsters.
Stock up on water!! Catch all the floaty pink fish you can, make a million bottles, chuck ‘em into a closet. I've spent half my play time swim-cursing my way back to base because my robot friend keeps yelling at me for dehydration.
5. Subnautica has just merged with your favorite game of all time… exactly how weird have things gotten?
Honestly, Dark Souls + Subnautica—Darknautica, just makes sense. Either swimming around and having to fight dark souls’ bosses instead of leviathans, or running around the dark souls’ world having to fight the leviathans. I’m scared either way.
Subnautica meets World of Warcraft… an endless hellscape where you never escape the planet. You just go from one deep sea nightmare quest to another, running into other players where, instead of reassuring you with their company, they yell slurs and drag you into merciless PvP battles. I’d still play it.
6. If you could bring one real life object to this ocean nightmare, what would it be?
Does a rocket ship, fully fueled and able to take off in water, count? In all seriousness, I’d bring a gun that works underwater. Make some reapers my bitch.
UNDERWATER FLAME THROWER. Get the hell off my seamoth, reapers!
7. What’s your favorite fish in Subnautica’s ocean? Now draw if from memory. (Yes, you have to show us.)
I tried.
I also tried... and couldn't remember what these screaming assholes looked like (because I'm always running from them) so I just drew an angry puffer.
Hall of shame, aka what they're supposed to look like:
(Nick you're so much closer be proud.)
8. Share your favorite recipe. You’re a seafood master chef at this point, right? Stalker fillet? Peeper pot pie?
As good as Peeper Pot Pie is, Steamed Peeper is where it’s at. Steam for about thirty minutes (until the juices run neon orange), add some salt from the local salt deposit, and you’re ready to chow down. A little tip for some extra flourish if you’re treating that special someone to a homemade meal, add an over-easy leviathan egg (ghost taste the best, but up to personal preference) and top with the juices of the Peeper. It looks, and tastes, amazing!
Peeper is for the common adventurer. For a real treat head on over to your nearest deserted island and grab yourself a bit of raw bulbo tree. They feed and hydrate you—two for the price of one! Careful though, eight good whacks and the tree is gone. How did you fit a whole tree in your belly? Water-space magic. Duh. And we all know that the rarer something is the better, so the next time you don’t feel like cooking and curing go treat yourself to a meal out on the ocean town.
9. Who’s more likely to win in a fight, ghost leviathan or the kraken? Why?
Kraken for sure. Have you seen the ghost leviathans? They don’t even have arms! Their only skill is being spooky as hell, but they can’t even grab you like a reaper can. They’re lame!
Idk, I think the ghost leviathan stands a good chance. Sure, they lack arms, but they’re sneaky as hell. You don’t know they’re there until they’ve already taken a bite out of you and—uh oh—one bite usually does it. Plus they have the uncanny ability to multiply themselves, one adult for every 30 seconds of battle time. The Kraken is gonna need all its arms if the fight goes on too long…
10. There are a lot of gadgets in this game and god knows humans love befriending weird, inanimate objects. Which of your tools is your bestest buddy ever?
LaSeR cUtTeR. My best friend (aside from the seamoth but that’s too easy). He’s opened up so many doorways to new possibilities. Without him I’d be stuck outside of wreckages, instead of being stuck inside them because I keep getting turned around and can’t find the damn exit.
Ah, habitat builder. Without you I’d still be huddled, catatonic with fear, in my teeny tiny escape pod. You built me an underwater home complete with a bomb-ass observatory and a room to chuck all my rocks into. Isn’t that what every girl wants? Space for cool rocks? They’re the next best thing to books. You drain batteries like nobody’s business, but every night when the sun sets and the ocean gets so much more horrifying I watch the stalkers circling my reinforced walls and think, “This safety is all because of you. Thanks, buddy.”
11. Your people have finally gotten their shit together and rescue is imminent. Do you leave for Earth or remain in your ocean home?
That depends, can I bring my cuddlefish buddies with me? Home is where the heart is, and my heart is FOR SURE with my cuddlefish. I love them.
GET ME OFF THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET. Look, have I made fishie friends? Yes. But this is what space aquariums are for. Let’s pack all the nice fish up and put approximately 100000000 billion miles between me and the rest of them.
12. You have unlimited oxygen but no cyclops, prawn, or seamoth. How deep do you dare go?
ZERO METERS DEEP. I’m floating for the rest of my life. Unlimited oxygen be damned, without my seamoth I can’t even run from sandsharks, let alone any leviathans or warpers or the godforsaken crapsnake things. No thank you, I’ll patiently wait for death on the surface.
Now that I think about it… I’ve been 200 meters with nothing but my oxygen and a few very panicked prayers. Would I go deeper with unlimited oxygen now that I know I have the courage and resourcefulness to do so? LOL no goddamn way I’m floating on the surface with Nick. Peace.
13. I’ve heard that doing ____ will keep the reapers away.
I’ve heard that doing kegels will keep the reapers away. Powerful pelvic muscles are their weakness.
I’ve heard that mimicking their scary af roars will keep the reapers away…or does that bring them closer? Who knows. Who cares! You’re underwater. Can you shout underwater? I thought not.
14. A totally unexpected side effect of the virus turns out to be _____.
A totally unexpected side effect of the virus turns out to be my ability to speak exclusively with Table Coral. It’s kind of a bummer that I can’t speak with the humans trying to rescue me, but Table Carol and Table Mike have been keeping me company with their wild stories. They’ve seen some shit, man.
An unexpected side-effect of the virus is you’re BUFF AS HELL NOW, BABY. Buff before? Congratulations, you’re ultra buff. Double buff. The buffest of them all. You have to be cured of the virus before leaving the planet because the aliens knew that releasing anyone that buff into the universe would be dangerous in the extreme. No one person can wield that much sexiness and power.
15. Would you smooch for 1 million dollars? (Keep in mind we’re poor students here…)
I’ve seen how he kisses Seamoths, no. thank. you.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. Did I mention nope? Nope.
16. Final question. We’re quoting a friend here but, “Why do you play this game? Why? I don’t understand. Explain yourself.”
I honestly don’t know. I get borderline panic attacks when I set foot in the ocean in real life because of how scared I am of it. I think, maybe, the fear drives me to play. I hate the ocean so much that I’ll do anything to escape it once and for all. Or I’m just masochistic and insane.
Have you ever had a canker sore that you poke with your tongue and you get that awful, bright spot of pain? …and then you’re touching it again five seconds later? It’s kind of like that. There are moments in this game that scare the hell out of me and yet here I am, booting it up like I expect to not be yelling as some asshole warper appears and tries to eat my face. It’s some sort of adrenaline addiction mixed with selective amnesia…and also pretty graphics. I’m weak for great game artwork.
The things we risk our virtual lives for.
Image Credit
#1: https://www.windowscentral.com/subnautica-partnering-panic-button-speed-xbox-one-development
#2: Masterpiece by Nick
#3: Masterpiece by Katie
#4: http://subnautica.wikia.com/wiki/Cuddlefish
#5: http://movies.naijaloyalng.com/search/exploding-fish.html
#6: http://subnautica.wikia.com/wiki/Reaper_Leviathan
#7: https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/qkvy47/there-arent-many-underwater-games-but-
subnautica-proves-thats-a-mistake