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Rank That Dad! Your Guide to the Superior, the Dreamiest, and the All Around Daddiest in Dream Daddy

Welcome to the unofficial and completely subjective ranking of Dream Daddy's dating options! I've wanted to do a ranking for a while now and because my own love for this game isn't embarrassing enough I decided to drag my friend Nick into the mix as guest blogger. His rankings will be in fire orange (or as close to that as Wix allows) while I went for the obviously superior plum purple. Fair warning, this ranking is more absurdity than actual advice, heavily influenced by intoxication, exhaustion, horniness, end of the semester emotions, and----to quote Nick----the powers of Satan himself.

#1 Damien/Damien

(Note: I was especially drunk this night) Damien is the sole reason that Hugo isn’t my favorite (they’re tied, I might have a thing for people with serious façades to hide their true adorable selves). I was here for my spooky vampire boyfriend and his Hot-Topic kid, and then they threw dogs into the mix and suddenly I wasn’t just here for it, I was here for it. Damien’s gothic romance was everything I hoped for it to be. He treated me RIGHT, like I deserved. By the end of his story, my puppy-loving, afraid-of-horror-movies-even-though-he’s-a-literal-vampire, wonderful man had me feeling lonely in real life. Woops.

I am also here for the spooky, vampire boyfriend. Damien is everything we wanted from Edward and Lestat minus the literal abuse and temper tantrums. I'm sorry, you don't want to date the gorgeous introvert with a 19th century romance aesthetic and a practical career in IT? Are you allergic to fun and financial stability?? On our first date the guy showed me his library complete with a butterfly collection and hand-bound Naruto fic that he's more than a little embarrassed about. In the competition for best dad Damien wins, hands down. Sorry. I don't make the rules.

#2 Mat/Craig

I was very wine-drunk on this date, and it was very good. The only downside to Mat was the mini-games that you had to play (The first one was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I wasn’t even drunk at this point). He is the cool dad. And he gets massive bonus points for almost bending us over his espresso machine. Also, he introduces us to Pablo, whom I immediately shipped with The Eastern Dragon from Hugo’s story. Pablo deserves a daddy of his own.

Side note: Our daddy during this run was CarrotTop, and I hated every second he was on screen. Mat deserves so much better than our abomination.

I feel very strongly that Craig doesn't get enough love in this fandom. After all, friends-turned-lovers is the foundation of a truly excellent ship. The only thing that put me off was that I'm normally not one to go for the muscle-y, gym-obsessed, shouldn't you be drinking this green smoothie instead of eating more M&Ms, Katie? type (omg quit calling me out like this). But Craig proved that he's not one to judge. He wants to share his weird, healthy obsessions with you, not necessarily foster them off. Plus his kids are A+ adorable.

#3 Hugo/Mat

I was hesitant to date Hugo at first because (sorry Katie) English majors are weird. Boy, oh boy, did he prove me right. His dates managed to almost get my gay ass into WWE, if only to meet some hot wrestlers. Hugo is a lovable dork with a cute ‘manly man’ side (to be fair, I think that’s my type). And I didn’t hate his kid either, despite him being literal garbage in the body of a child. Ernest proved that Hugo is actually a saint for dealing with the little shit.

Mat is gold star standard and the only reason he's not ranked higher is because my own petty hobbies got in the way. I love the idea of him (hello, Coffee Shop AU), but I don't actually like coffee and I'm not big on the music scene and a concert date isn't really my thing, so... I'm ngl, he and Craig were neck-and-neck for a while and Craig pulled ahead only because he took me to a freaking waterfall like a modern day Tarzan. Mat is a damn good pick though and I appreciate his candidness about anxiety. Dream Daddy broke a number of stereotypes with this game and making the large black man a puddle of socially-anxious nerves was one of them. Kudos there.

#4 Craig/Hugo

Craig was a hard one to place for me. I want him near the top because I love the bromance-turned-romance and the history that you and Craig have, but part of me feels like it was too easy to get Craig. It never felt like a challenge, and I never had to save before each dialogue choice because I knew exactly what Craig wanted. It’s important to note that you can die in Craig’s storyline, and honestly that’s my ultimate goal. If we were to take that date option, then Craig would actually be number one. I will say, however, that the waterfall/camping date secured him in the number four spot.

Please, Nick. Like I'd EVER deny that us English people are weird. Man, but I wanted to love Hugo. On the surface he's literally THE perfect guy for me. Nerdy English teacher? Check. Well-dressed bow-tie lover? Check. Perfect date is us just reading the day away? Hell yes. The problem was that as I got to know him he became a little too much like the professor stereotype. Too ~sophisticated~ for my taste, no matter how his bratty kid works to break that image. I don't want the kind of nerd who waxes poetic about the perfect wine and cheese pairing; I want the nerd who has VERY STRONG FEELINGS about which Original Series Star Trek monster is the most ridiculous. There's a difference.

(For the record the answer is obviously the lava rug monster with some poor intern shuffling underneath that Spock has to dramatically mind-meld with in order to save his boyfri----I mean Captain.)

#5 Joseph/Joseph

All I wanted was for Joseph and Mary to split so he could be mine (she can keep the kids). But noooo, by the end of my bang-up job of being a great person to date, Joseph decides to stay with Mary. Not cool, Joseph. He’s only higher than Robert because at least you can go down and dirty on a boat.

Joseph is forever tainted for me thanks to that supposed secret cult ending. Ugh. Still, even if I'd never been introduced to that nonsense I have no patience for cheaters, even if it's "just" emotional cheating as you bake brownies together. (Stay tuned for an eventual rant about this in regards to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.) Plus the super religious aspect doesn't really do it for me. Religious in general? Awesome. Naming your kids Chris, Christie, Christian, and Crish after Christ? Ehhhhhhhhh.

#6 Robert/Robert

Hmph. Robert was the only one I dated sober. Getting all of his dates wrong leads to him rawing you three times. But doing everything right leads to you and him never having sex and also not dating at all. As the Daddiest-of-them-all, I wanted Robert to be number one, but he didn’t fulfill the needs I had!

Lol beautiful summary up there, Nick. I'm all for a little bad boy, but Robert was just too bad for my tastes. Getting super drunk, throwing rocks, and making up horrible gossip to insult people? Nah, not really my thing. Robert has a whole lot of shit to work through and I'm too busy being a one man support team for Amanda to be the one to do it. God speed though, pal.

#7 Brian/Brian

(I couldn't even find a standard image of Brian from the date book he's that much of an inconvenience.)

Here he is! The one I don’t ever want to date because he’s so off-putting that I can’t bring myself to do it. I know deep down (deep, deep down) that he’s going to be the sweetest, most loving bear on the list, but I can’t get over his stupid competitiveness and his stupid daughter and their stupid everything. #Amanda4Lyf

Oh look, it's the garbage man! JK... sort of. Given that Brian is the first dad you run into he actually put me off the game for just a bit. +10 for the corgi, -100 for being a competitive dick. Yeah yeah, I know that he eventually comes clean about it just being a game----and if you choose to be an asshole to him after that you die----but it was too little, too late. Amanda and I deserve better!

Too right, Nick. #Amanda4lyf, #Damien4lyf

That's just the way its gotta be.

(Finally you can----and should----check out Nick's Instagram here! )

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