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Fifty Shades Freed Teaser (A.K.A. Here We Go Again...)

We all knew this day was coming.

The last installment of E.L. James' Fifty Shades series finally has a teaser trailer and I'd be celebrating the coming end of the film franchise if I weren't half convinced that they'll turn Grey into movies too. Even though it will be the exact. same. plot.

They'll do it.

For now though we have a minute of new material to tide us over until the full trailer drops in November. Wedding bells are in the air, which means the film finally has an excuse for associating Ana with white beyond the supposed "purity" of a woman who's saving herself for "someone special."

In Ana's case that's 19th century British protagonists like Heathcliff (abuser), Alec d’Urberville (manipulator), and Darcy (asshole - hot, but still initially an asshole). Isn't it great she found all these traits in Christian?

We're treated to glimpses of their wedding day, complete with Christian's vows to "forsake all others" and "trust and respect you." Yeah. Spoiler: that doesn't ever happen.

Though they're pretty standard vows there are other non-ironic parallels. Like Christian demonstrating his obsession with his own wealth with, "all that I have is now yours" and promising to "keep her safe" right before we're treated to a montage of dangerous situations.

This series' entire foundation is built on its inaccurate portrayal of BDSM, and it sure hasn't lost its touch. As if two other films emphasizing how supposedly strange and shameful the practice is weren't enough, this montage deliberately associates any aspect of their sexuality with dangerous situations:

  • Shot of eye-candy Christian. Shot of Ana finding a gun.

  • Ana enjoying more of the same, boring sex scenes. Ana swimming in a manner reminiscent of Jaws.

  • Christian feeling Ana up. Ana being followed in her car.

  • Ana on her knees before Christian, then on the ground desperately trying to shoot someone.

I would be 1000% more interested if Ana got attacked by a shark

All of which culminates in this:

We get it. They lead crazy, dangerous lives where liking whips in your foreplay and loving the ultimate Mary Sue results in stalkers, helicopter crashes, and confronting "Mrs. Robinson" at your engagement party. I only wish actually watching the films was half as exciting as they sound.

Additional questions: Why is Ana's wedding gown hanging from a chandelier? How many weapons can they fit into one teaser? Will I actually have the strength to see this opening weekend? Yes. The answer is sadly yes. Come back mid-February for what will no doubt be a lengthy and painful review.

Fifty Shades Freed comes out Valentine's Day 2018

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